We were featured on vogue.com! Check out the article: The Secret to Making Long Distance Relationships Work.
Depending on who you ask, long-distance relationships are either totally doable or an absolute no-go. While a hopeless romantic, for example, may see geographical distance as a
simple logistical hurdle, a pragmatist may deem it and its consequences more problematic.
And guess what? Neither party is wrong. Long-distance relationships can certainly be romantic, exciting, and fulfilling —just as they can be exhausting, frustrating, and lonesome. But that’s true of any relationship. One of the secrets to making the situation work? Both partners believing that it can.
Here’s the thing: Long-distance relationships actually have about the same success rate as regular relationships— around 60%. In fact, “most studies have found equal or even
higher levels of satisfaction, commitment, and trust in [long-distance dating relationships] compared to geographically close ones,” Laura Stafford writes in her book Maintaining
Long-distance and Cross-residential Relationships.
This is because the qualities required to sustain a long-distance relationship are the same ones that are essential for any relationship to thrive: effective communication, trust,
honesty, compromise, compatibility, commitment, respect, and a shared vision or trajectory. If you don’t have these, your relationship is likely to fail—whether you live in the same
city or not. “Distance strips a relationship down to its core essence,” explains relationship coach Sabrina Bendory of Dating.com. “If a relationship is already shaky, distance can
break it.”
Does long-distance increase love?
Spending time away from your partner can certainly increase certain feelings—especially lust. We all want what seems precious and rare, and in a long-distance relationship, each
partner becomes just that. As famed relationship expert Esther Perel has said: “Desire is rooted in absence and longing. And the experience of ‘not having’ increases our ‘wanting.’” But as we all know, sexual attraction isn’t the only ingredient required for a healthy romantic relationship: a lasting union also hinges on communication, trust, respect, et al. Bendory underscores the fact that “absence can make the heart grow fonder—but only if the foundation is strong.”
On the other hand, a lack of consistent in-person affection can present its own challenges in long-distance love. “Some people thrive on physical connection, and without it, they may feel disconnected over time,” Bendory says. “The key is knowing what you need to feel secure and fulfilled and to not convince yourself that you’re okay with something that
you’re not.”
How to make a long-distance relationship work
More often than not, those in long-distance relationships have to be a little strategic when it comes to sustaining their connection. “Love can deepen if both partners are intentional about staying emotionally connected and prioritizing quality interactions,” says therapist Rebecca Tenzer. Below, some tips:
1. Check your commitment
Before you dive into a long-distance relationship, make sure you have the right mindset. “Long-distance relationships require sacrifice, patience, and commitment,” says Bendory.
“You’re investing your time, energy, and emotions—so before diving in, ask yourself: Is this person truly worth it? Do I feel a deep, rare connection—one that I wouldn’t easily find
elsewhere?” You’ll have a lot more success if you go into it clear-eyed. As Bendory points out, “If you’re holding [onto a relationship] out of habit, fear, or the idea of love rather than
real love, it’s time to reassess.”
2. Build a strong foundation
Trust is essential in a relationship—and never more so than when you and your partner spend a lot time apart. “Honesty and clear expectations are essential for building trust,” says dating expert Emma Hathorn of Seeking.com. “Be open to hearing what your partner is comfortable with and communicate your own needs as well.”
3. Communicate intentionally
Taking the time to check in with your partner is one simple way to narrow the gap. “Communication should be prioritized,” Tenzer says. “Obviously, these things are important in every relationship, but when your partner is not physically there, it’s even more important.”
However, that does’t mean you have to communicate excessively. “For some couples it is 100% normal to not talk every day, but for others daily communication is key,” says marriage counselor Stephanie Wijkstrom. “Constant communication is not equivalent to a healthier relationship.”
4. Be creative and consistent
“The biggest mistake couples make in long-distance relationships is falling into repetitive, surface-level conversations,” says Bendory. Instead, endeavor to go deeper. “Get creative and think outside the box,” says Tenzer, who suggests mixing it up with surprises like handwritten letters, flower deliveries, and gifts. Above all, she says to “keep the lines of communication open, follow through when you say you’re going to do something, and make sure that you’re meeting the expectations of your partner.”
5. Create shared experiences
Not engaging in the mundane rituals of daily life—things like walking the dog together or running errands—can breed a sense of disconnection in a long-distance relationship. But it
doesn’t have to: “You can watch a show together, play games online, or have the same meal to help mitigate the feeling of the distance,” suggests Wijkstrom, who adds that you should take advantage of all the modern communication tools at your disposal: “Technology is a great tool for these kinds of memories.” Then, remember to actually be present when you are together.
6. Have a plan
It goes without saying, but scheduling time to see each other regularly and frequently is a must. “The worst thing you can do when starting a long-distance relationship is to go in blindly without a plan,” says Tenzer. She emphasizes the importance of determining how often you’ll each be visiting and what physical and emotional intimacy will look like. “Having an idea of what to expect in the relationship can help put some of those worries of the unknown at ease,” she notes.
7. Seek help
Long-distance couples can get so caught up in scheduling their romantic rendezvous that it’s easy to neglect the relationship essentials, especially when it comes to learning
how to repair conflicts. “I recommend engaging in therapy to make sure that there’s accountability in your partnership,” Tenzer says. Therapy can also set the stage for a stronger relationship in the future, making it all the easier when you do eventually live in the same city.
How to determine when long-distance isn’t working anymore
All relationships require work—and all relationships have their sticking points. Many of the signs that a long-distance relationship isn’t working are the same signs you’d encounter when a geographically close relationship has run its course. Say, you’re repeating the same fights over and over; one of you is constantly jealous and second-guessing the other’s intentions; or, worse yet, you feel weirdly lonely— even when you’re spending time with your partner. “If you’re in a relationship and still feel emotionally alone, that’s a problem,” says Bendory.
Other tell-tale signs a long-distance relationship isn’t
working:
- You find yourself fantasizing about or flirting with other people.
- The future feels uncertain; there are no plans to see each other.
- Effort is one-sided; one person avoids making plans or reaching out.
- Communication feels forced or like a chore.
If you feel an overall sense of dread, boredom, dissatisfaction, irritation, or anxiety that persists even after thoughtful and honest communication, that’s a clear sign the connection may be misaligned. “At the end of the day, a relationship—long-distance or not—should add to your life, not drain it,” says Bendory. “If you’re constantly second-guessing, feeling unfulfilled, or stuck in limbo, it may be time to move on.article